I drank and did drugs for decades. For a long time I thought that because I had “tried everything” (and failed), that being a fuck-up must be my destiny. The story of my life was meant to be a tragedy, and the captain would inevitably sink with the ship. Nobody was as far gone as I was.
But something inside me kept trying. I’d wake up hungover again, rife with anxiety and regret, and become determined once more to see what might happen if I got my life together. I’d find myself doing yoga boot camp on day 3 of sobriety, a week after rolling my car and going to jail, only to “reward” myself with a slew of drinks afterwards… and the cycle continued.
I can’t remember the moment I stopped feeling normal things, nor the general timeframe. I suppose it happened slowly, under the constant haze of purposeful numbness. What I do remember is one day at the beach with my friends in my 20’s back when I lived in Florida. I ran with a rough crowd — punks who didn’t give a fuck. It was normal to drink at any time of day, and for some it was strange not to. I was at the beach on a sunny, beautiful day, surrounded by my friends, blankets covered in snacks, and plenty of beer to go around. I remember looking up, cognitively understanding how this moment was perfect — but feeling nothing.
I didn’t understand why fun things didn’t feel fun anymore.
As time went on, not only did I not feel positive emotions during objectively uplifting circumstances — I felt increasingly anxious, unsettled, and tired. It happened slowly, beneath the fog of intoxication and hangovers, and even though I was sober for months at a time here and there… I never seemed to feel fully human.
When I finally got into long term recovery, it wasn’t because my willpower got strong enough, or because the hangovers got bad enough, or because I found “God.” It was because I discovered neuroscience and began to educate myself about the nature of addictive substances and how they affect the brain. My mind was liberated, guilt lifted, and I found ways to heal and self-soothe. One of the biggest realizations came with learning about why I stopped feeling good when good things were happening.
Enter: the nerdiest chart ever.
After repeated use of substances, our body’s inherent need for homeostasis (balance) responds to the extreme highs by instituting a new baseline for our emotional state. What previously used to make us feel positive emotions is now offline, or below the threshold at which we feel “good.” This is why normal things no longer felt good, or like anything for that matter. It’s also why I felt increasing anxiety and was constantly unsettled, and why getting fucked up was seemingly the only thing that would make that discomfort go away.
The amazing thing about homeostasis is that our body is constantly seeking it, which means that as we change our relationship to substances, our body begins to return to normal. What was so astonishing about healing was that it wasn’t like the slow decline into numbness — I knew exactly when I started feeling things again. Tiny, simple moments, like the joy of hugging my dog, or looking at a flower, or feeling a breeze on my skin started to come back online. Drinking tea with a friend felt divine. My brain had healed back to a new baseline homeostasis where everyday things felt good again. It took time, but it happened nonetheless, and I am perpetually amazed by my (our!) body’s ability to heal itself.
If you’re feeling stuck, numb, emotionless, anxious, or if your mind is telling you that you’re too far gone… know that healing is possible. Slow, but possible. You can do this.
May you be happy and free, dear reader.
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This week on the podcast we hear from Elizabeth Roberts on her book In Praise of Addiction. We talk about what it might be like if we stopped feeling ashamed of our addictions. Click here to listen!
