At our support group last week we discussed the impulse to punish ourselves by using substances. This is a common reason we get fucked up, and the impetus might just be our friends the Inner Critic and the Addicted Voice.
Has something frustrating and unfair ever happened in your life? Were you completely mistreated by little or no fault of your own? Maybe you were fired for no reason, or got rear ended at a stop light, or denied insurance coverage over and over. So many things in life feel completely disempowering, and the tighter we try to hold onto control, the more things slip through our fingers.
Our Inner Critic and Addicted Voice love to latch onto these types of situations. They are the kick-ya-while-you’re-down types. They also love novelty, and just when you think you’re getting good at outsmarting them — there they are again — sneaking in when you least expect it.
“Maybe if you weren’t such a loser people wouldn’t treat you like that!” says the Inner Critic.
“Yeah, screw this! We’ll show ‘em. Let’s rage drink some fucking beers, man. What’s the point of being sober when everything sucks?” chimes in the Addicted Voice.
Sound familiar?
Enter in: beneficial masochism. Specifically, running.
I used to think people who ran for fun were completely wild. Literally what is wrong with you people?? I thought. One time, at a bus stop in Austin, I was sitting under the awning with some unhoused folks who were hiding from the rain. They were drinking malt liquor out of a gatorade bottle (an invisibility cloak for booze) and saw someone jogging in the rain on the other side of the street. One of them pointed at the runner and remarked, “That’s what drugs’ll do to your mind, man.”
And that’s what I have thought every time I have seen anyone running for fun or exercise for the past 18 years. That’s until I met a dear friend who runs because it appears as though he feels good and/or enjoys himself while running. I took some time to pry. Once as he described the route he ran that day he said, “First I run up that hill (pointing to Mount Sequoyah) because I hate myself. Then when I’m over by the stadium, I yell ‘GO HOGS’ at everyone I run past.” To me, it sounded like he was bombing through the gamut of emotional processing, and it was working.
I was curious, so I tried it. If you want to get your Inner Critic to act up, and practice moving past its insults, start running. It’ll talk. Every three seconds you’ll get the chance to say, “Hello Inner Critic. I hear you. I disagree with all these insults, and I am going to keep running, no matter what you say.” Running fucking hurts. It moves every bit of energy throughout the body, engages every cell you’ve got, and it brings out the beneficial inner masochist.
During our support group this week as we discussed the impulse to punish ourselves, we decided to flip the coin. If we have the desire to punish ourselves by using substances, what can we do instead? How can we honor that urge and process it in a healthy way? Many of us agreed that running was a highly effective way to engage with our masochistic impulses and simultaneously foster our health.
What you resist persists, as they say. The urge to punish ourselves isn’t something to be ignored, and it’s also not something we need to use to cause harm. The work here is to acknowledge every part of us, and choose a way to process our emotions that leaves us feeling better in the end. Maybe next time you hate yourself, you can run up that hill off yonder.
What other things might you do to honor this impulse and also avoid harming yourself? Let me know in the comments!
May you be happy and free, dear reader.
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Support groups are still every Monday at 6pm at The Library Vintage in Fayetteville.
The juggling and circus skills workshop was a hit! Juggling Club meets every Thursday near the skate park at Walker Park in Fayetteville. Good clean fun!
