It can be really rough to wake up one day and look around yourself and see only rubble. The guilt. The shame. The pain.
My addiction took no prisoners. If you knew me during the dark days, you suffered. I never hurt anyone on purpose, and I always had a small little voice inside of me that told me if only I could get better, then I could stop hurting the people that I loved. But waking up to the rubble often only had one solution: RUN.
This is the most fucked up thing about addiction. The thing that is causing us trouble is the only thing we know how to turn to when we want the guilt to go away. We can’t imagine the thought of having to face what we have been running from for all this time. Enter: compounding guilt, increased fear, and the dreaded shame spiral.
But how do we escape the escape?
Mind fuck, right? It feels like a riddle. A maze that we don’t remember entering. The true escape is in the momentary gaps. We interrupt the feedback loops. Every time we can take a moment and step back and say, “What are my options here? Am I capable of choosing something different?” — we are interrupting those neurological feedback loops. Instead of continuing the seemingly never ending escape, we start to escape the escape. The only way to stop running is by standing still. Maybe even turning around and taking a glimpse at the thing we have been running from for so long.
No one is magically going to become a saint overnight, but the work here is in the tiny micro-changes. Every time we interrupt the feedback loop, we are creating new neural pathways and start to degrade the old ones that are no longer serving us.
Practice noticing. Practice stepping back for one short moment and viewing your mind from the role of the observer.
Now, I didn’t invent this. I believe a feller named The Buddha is credited with this concept. The whole thing about it — is that small hinges swing big doors. (Shout out to Duane Osterlind for that one.) If a change in habits, or moving past addiction seems insurmountable, start with one tiny change. When you feel fear, take a step back. Take one short moment. Step out of the reactivity and into the role of the observer. The thing you have been running from might not be quite as scary as you think.
May you be happy and free, dear reader.
Announcements and such:
This week our podcast episode is an interview with Katy. She talks about growing up around people using drugs, quitting before things got too bad, and the easy way to quit nicotine. To listen, click here!
If you want to support this work, you can become a paid subscriber to this Substack for $8/month. Donations in any amount can also be made via our website… and I went ahead and started a Patreon as well.
Support groups are still every Monday at 6pm at The Library Vintage in Fayetteville.
Sober Ppl at the Bar is coming up — March 22nd 5-7pm at Sidecar Cocktail Lounge in Fayetteville!
Special Announcement!! Once I can get adequately insured, I will be offering sliding scale one-on-one recovery coaching services. Stay tuned for that!
