This week at our support group we read an entry from Love in a Fucked Up World by Deane Spade. The excerpt discussed healthy conflict resolution, how we can vary between extremes on a pendulum, and methods to reframe the conflict and find a middle way.
Often times in addiction recovery, stress and interpersonal conflict can cause thoughts of using. The discomfort and pain of a disagreement can be extreme, and when we feel big emotions that we aren’t equipped to handle, it is easy to turn towards the familiar numbing effects of substances.
Deane Spade explains that we can often view ourselves as being “the best” or “the worst” in conflict with others — that is to say, we view ourselves or others as either entirely right or entirely wrong. Both of these poles are unskillful, because disagreements between people are often complex, and we most likely aren’t looking at the whole picture. Maybe we don’t even have all of the information!
Enter: the practice of “What else is true?”
In the small circle, we write the thing we are feeling strongly. This practice validates our experience and our emotions as important and real. Next, in the larger circle, we right what else is true. This practice helps us zoom out of our myopic, painful thought, and gives us perspective on the situation as a whole. Ideally, we grow compassion for ourselves and others through this exercise. We also validate our own experience as well as the experience of the person we are in conflict with.
We also take a look at what we can control and what we cannot control. This process is liberating and empowering because we no longer need to waste our time and energy focusing on things we are unable to control — like other people’s choices and actions. We can then find empowerment in focusing on our own choices and carrying ourselves in a way that we find ethical.
May you be happy and free, dear reader.
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