Last week at our support group we discussed loneliness in recovery. A recent study has shown that 61% of Americans feel lonely this holiday season, with 37% preferring to skip the holidays altogether. Click here to read the article.
When I heard this statistic, I was shocked. As a neurodivergent person on the autism spectrum, I am able to meet my social needs in very small bites. I have also done a shit ton of work with gratitude and acceptance, so I am not constantly yearning for something that I don’t have. I spent a long time battling with loneliness in early recovery.
Thinking about the concept of loneliness gets my mind churning. I think about how the construct of individualized homes, the romance myth, and the invention of the nuclear family are all methods that capitalism and the owning class use to keep us separate and easier to control. Humans evolved as a social species, living in groups, and relying on each other every day to meet the needs of the group. We are hard-wired for connection. If you feel lonely or yearn for more connection, this is your normal healthy brain doing exactly what it was meant to do.
I also think about how we are not taught emotional literacy or tolerance, and how society teaches us that we are broken if we are not constantly happy. Add into that the insidious nature of alcohol advertising: you need alcohol to have fun, to combat stress, to process anger, and to drown your sorrows… and we have a recipe for emotional suppression and unhappiness.
“Desire is a contract with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.”-The One You Feed recent podcast episode
So much of our use of substances is in an effort to escape feeling the way we feel. We all get born into this ratchet ass fucked up capitalist white supremacist patriarchy of a society, and get told we are broken for not individually pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps and being happy like all the robot-AI social media accounts.
The solution is simple, and you’re going to hate it.
1.) Acceptance: State your truth. I am fucking lonely. I’m done fighting with it. I am done self-medicating my feelings by suppressing them with substances.
2.) Sit with the feelings instead of fighting them. Sometimes your mind tells you that your emotions are a life-threat. This especially occurs with loneliness because historically, when we lived in tribes/groups, to be cast out alone meant certain death. This is how your brain is still wired to respond. However, we can reflect on these thoughts, and meet them with compassion. We can accept that we are having a strong feeling, observe it, and allow it to run its course. What you resist persists, and what you sit with can integrate and resolve.
3.) Take an action to improve your circumstances. You are POWERFUL. You have agency, autonomy, and the ability to do something different. Put down your phone and walk outside. Talk to a stranger. Call someone you’ve lost touch with (there’s a 61% chance they are feeling lonely too.) Go to a community meal. Sign up for a class. Volunteer somewhere. Resist the forced isolation of late stage capitalism by doing the most revolutionary thing possible: connect with other humans in real life. This is within your control, and you may feel a bit uncomfortable, and that’s ok.
4.) Reflect on your process. Do it over and over again. Find your own balance between solitude and socializing. Most importantly: be grateful for the connections you have, however imperfect they may be. If you decide that what you have is enough, your loneliness may dissolve in an instant. (Disclaimer: if that shit is toxic/abusive, ya don’t have to be grateful for that. More on leaving toxic relationships behind in an upcoming post.)
Being lonely is common, normal, and feels shitty. You can learn to cope with and resolve this temporary feeling. You have the power and the ability to make small changes in your life to improve your circumstances. You are lovable, worthy, and enough.
May you be happy and free, dear reader.
Announcements and such:
The 2nd Annual Dry January Series IS BACK!! See flyer for details.
Support groups are still every Monday at 6pm at The Library Vintage in Fayetteville.
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This week the podcast is also on the topic of stress and loneliness surrounding the holidays. Click here to listen!
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