In last week’s podcast episode, Hana talks about the painful decision to cut ties with her mother. Ultimately, it proved to be a brilliant decision for her well-being, and she often recommends to folks to cut off people that are dragging them down.
To listen to Part 3 of Hana’s story where they discusses rebuilding their life after addiction – click here.
Addiction recovery is so much more than abstaining from substances. It is a culmination of changes across the entire spectrum of our lives in which we incrementally find healing. I hear again and again from folks in recovery that social struggles can be some of the hardest to reckon with – and I agree.
The problem with interpersonal dynamics is that they are not cut and dry. They are not all one thing or another, not completely nourishing or completely toxic. This truth creates an internal push and pull, which uses up a ton of our mental energy. In a resting state, the brain uses about 20% of our body’s energy and is 2% of our body’s mass. This represents a huge energy usage, and when we are spending a lot of our mental energy on interpersonal conflict, we have a lot less to exert on impulse control when it comes to using substances. For a quick read on our brain’s energy expenditures, click here.
Knowing who is worth keeping in our lives and who we need to set boundaries with or completely cut ties from can be a confusing thing to decide.
Someone at our support group once illustrated how they accomplish this by describing their friends as frogs in buckets. Some of the people in their life are “free range frogs” – folks who have repeatedly demonstrated that they are able to provide safety, love, and a nourishing relationship. Free range frogs are also capable of addressing and resolving conflict in an emotionally mature way.
Folks they still wanted to have in their life, but who present consistent stress or challenges were further categorized into “buckets.” There’s the “I’ll be polite to you when I see you out and about, but I’m not calling you to hang” bucket. There’s the “You’re my family member who I love but who stresses me out so I will see you for one hour a month” bucket. Based on people’s behavior and the amount of toxicity or nourishment they provide in this person’s life might mean a frog is re-bucketed with new boundary settings.
There’s also frogs that are simply not allowed to come around, and although it might be hard to hold that boundary, it could be essential for our survival. Certain people that provide significant stress, coupled with emotional immaturity and an inability to resolve conflict, might need to be pushed out of our lives altogether. It might be a family member, or a friend we have had for many years, and it can be a difficult and painful decision to cut them off. Ultimately, our survival is non-negotiable, and we have to protect our recovery by making really fucking hard choices sometimes.
The frog bucket analogy seemed to resonate with a lot of folks, and also brought a bit of humor to our need for boundaries with people in our lives.
A practice I invite folks to implement is one which reconnects us to our intuition. Ask yourself:
-How do I feel before I see the person?
-How do I feel during my interaction with the person?
-How do I feel after my interaction with the person?
When your feelings are aligned throughout these three points, this is most likely the presence of your intuition. Do you feel excited to see someone, have fun while you’re together, and then feel uplifted and nourished once you part ways? Or do you feel nervous to see someone, tensed up during the interaction, and exhausted after you leave the interaction? All of these are important signals from your intuition about whether this person is worth your time and energy. Tune into your body, record your findings, and reflect on what you learn.
Which of your frogs need new buckets? Which are using up your precious brain’s energy supply? Who are you safe with, and perhaps have been neglecting because the relationship doesn’t provide the high of drama?
You deserve peace. You deserve fulfilling relationships. You do not need to change anything about yourself to feel uplifted and calm around the people you choose to spend time with. You are already whole.
May you be happy and free, dear reader.
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The Dry January Series is BACK for a second year! See flyer for more details.
Support groups are still every Monday at 6pm at The Library Vintage in Fayetteville.
There’s a new RD group chat! If you’ve been to our groups in the past, and want to have a supportive community, send me an email (info@recoverydemystified.com) and I will get you added to the chat!
